ASanti777

You'll find yourself chasing after a ghost at least once in your life. That is someone who was never truly there. You thought they cared about you. The only thing that was ever real is the affection you felt towards them. In every other possible way they were absent from your life. They do exist, of course, but in their own little world. You are not a part of it. Others are. Not you. You never were.
Don't bother chasing after some one. Don't you feel that exhaustion? You're the only one doing the chasing. And what does that mean? You aren't being chased, looked after, cared for. Leave them alone. After a while if they miss you they will reach out for you. If they don't they never really cared. Yes, the old if you love something let it go. Just don't let it be because they need something from you. It must be because they need you in their life, because it's just not the same without you in it.
If they don't care that you're gone, they are phantoms, never really a tangible presence in your life. And your life will be better without them. At least less exhausting.

So, Fate is being in the wrong place at the right time. Sometimes I go through life and I take things slow, thinking that no matter what I do I'm going to get to my destination anyway right? Then sometimes I feel like I'm blowing it and I can't sleep from the constant wheels turning in my head. I have to relax because all those little things I keep thinking are mistakes are molding my future and there is this big picture I just can't see, but I'm getting there.
Then there's the stars, I say, they have to align. I keep thinking that I'm going to know when it happens and that I'll be ready for when it does. If it hasn't already it wasn't and it won't be or maybe it will. Again I just have to take my time. Things take time. People need time to decide whether its better to reach something or let it go so that something better comes along and you can start reaching for that.
Anyway I need to sleep. I'm so sleep deprived right now, and always hungry...

There is a light in the dark. A tiny glow that doesn't seem very significant but means a great deal. It could make me feel less alone, definately less afraid, it makes things just a little bit brighter. And when things get brighter you can see a lot more. Maybe there was a suspicious looking shadow and now you can see it was just a coat hanging somewhere making odd shapes. You don't have to guess where anything is anymore you can just look and it's right there in front of you're eyes. Maybe everything isn't quite clear yet, but you can't be sure that it ever will be. You can just work with the light that you have now, the rest you can leave up to faith. I don't have a lot of it but enough to get me through. Finally, comes the reconciliation. Now that you have that glow, that tiny light in the dark, you can reconcile with the night. It is no longer a burden. There is still much to do and you can do it all.

It's hard for me to conceive sometimes that we are so ever changing. I wonder then do we as humans have a true face and what is that true face? Is it the one we are born with (So cute and chubby)? Is it the one we have 10 anniversaries later? 20? We don't change much for a while and then as if over night, we are looser, less fresh. Our face has completely changed again. We are older and the older we get the more we change. We change all the time but, I like to think, we feel the same inside. We might feel differently about certain things. We might have had deceptions, triumphs, failures, successes. We might have learned a thing or two, but we still feel like we are ourselves. That doesn't change. I know I am me and you are you. I don't look into the mirror and say I'm bob now. But I do look into the mirror and say boy have I changed. I have that kind of face that changes very much. People say I don't look like my baby pictures, I don't. There are people who still look like themselves. I guess it's all the more scarier for me to change, but I myself recognize my features. I guess I'd have to point them out to others. I still have my almond shaped eyes, my cheeks are gone, still have the big lower lip, the beauty mark over my left eyebrow though a little faded. Sometimes I remember being a little girl then I look down at my legs and I feel like a giant unbelieving of how much I've grown, it feels overnight but I know it took so many years. Maybe I'd wish this constant change would stop at some point, but I know it won't. With time will come courage and acceptance. Even in death our bodies are still constantly going through a change. It is normal and nature.

I have this thing with circles. It started when my mother told me a lady was electrocuted with her dog when he stepped on one of those con ed manholes. She told me [uy] don't step on those. So when I would see them on the street I avoided them. Then I started to avoid all circles. You can't make me step on one, some have tried.
Anyway, you get to think about circles, I think life is one, even though it begins and ends. And I'd like to think there is only one very long day that gets light and dark. And that the world ends only to begin again, and everybody that existed exists again and gets déjà vu all the time. So, even though I try to avoid the circles I can't really, but I won't stop now it's a force of habit.
Oh, something interesting, sometimes I'll notice and I'd like to think it happens everyday. There will be something I see or hear at the beginning of my day that I see and hear again at the end of the day. I have this thing with circles.